“What is the meaning of my life?” and “What allows me to feel my life on this planet is meaningful in some way?” are the questions driving that willingness to change, according to Daniel Ellenberg, Ph.D., a Novato, CA-based therapist and co-founder and co-director of Relationships that Work, an organization dedicated to communication skill improvement for relationships.

The fact that some of a person’s friends and loved ones may have passed on by the time a woman is 50 may actually encourage her to improve communication with others. “The power of death adds meaning to life, and gives the opportunity to drop old ego stuff in our ego-driven culture,” Dr. Ellenberg said.

“Pretense is gone,” agreed Barbara Bartlein, R.N., C.I.C.S.W.,  an expert in relationships and organizational culture located in Milwaukee, WI, and author of Why Did I Marry You Anyway?: Overcoming the Myths That Hinder a Happy Marriage. “We can share experiences and really talk.”

‘Purposeful Introspection’

Purposeful introspection paves the way for connecting with others. Dr. Ellenberg provides clients with his “V.I.P.P.: strategy: 

• Vision: what you want.
• Intention: why you want it.
• Plan: how to create it.
• Practice: what specifically will you do.

“V.I.P.P. offers an opportunity to create common ground, or find out what is not so common,” he said.  “It is important to find out what you want in relationships…to understand what drives us, and our core beliefs about who we are.”

Regardless of age, some form of communication problem brings most clients into the Berkeley, CA, office of marriage and family therapist Elayne Savage, Ph.D.  

“Misunderstandings lead to anger, hurt feelings, and resentment, and there is no room for connection,” said the author of Breathing Room and Don’t Take it Personally.  “Communication means learning to be clear and specific. Don’t leave room for others to fill in the blanks.”

Bartlein calls this scenario the “glass head mentality”–we think others can look inside us and know what we want and think. “We have to get clearer in saying what we want and need,” she stressed.

Self-examination is best combined with push for personal growth. “Our worlds can start to get narrow,” Bartlein noted. “We need to stay up on what’s happening in technology, trends, and music to communicate across generations. We need to follow the news and the politics of other countries.  Being well-read is critical.”

Mindful Marriage Renewal

Familiarity can breed complacency, and it is possible to feel undervalued in our closest relationships. 

“Communication patterns we fall into are comfortable, but comfort can be routine and even boring,” Bartlein said.  She emphasized the need for married couples to renew shared interests, especially after grown children leave home. “That gives you things to talk about, she said. “It’s like glue for long-term marriage.”

Equally critical is the need to make daily time to connect with a partner through conversation. Dr. Savage said it’s time to “hit the reset button” on the relationship when children move out. “This is a great new opportunity,” she noted.

Even with common interests and shared time, there may be bumps in the relationship. “It’s OK to disagree,” Bartlein affirmed. “Some things we will never agree on, and we can choose to agree that we will never agree.” Bartlein says most marriages harbor two or three of these “perma-arguments.”

 “If you agree most of the time, you are in good shape,” she continued. “If you agreed on everything, that would be boring.  You can have fun with the differences.”

Avoid the Parent Trap

Common interests also build bridges to communication and connection during the changing parenting role that results when children reach their early 20s. “You move from parent to mentor-coach, and wind up friends,” Bartlein said, noting that she continues to share activities such as golf and skiing with her children.

“You let go of the job description of ‘Capital P Parent,’” Dr. Savage confirmed. “You don’t have that job anymore. You build a new relationship.”

Methods of creating strong communication bonds with grandchildren vary with their ages. Younger children love receiving letters and packages, and seeing a grandparent while using a webcam with Skype can be more effective than faceless telephone chat. Busy older grandchildren are not inclined to write or phone. “I recommend grandparents learn to text,” Bartlein said.

Work It Out Respectfully

Workplaces are multigenerational in nature and require respect for generational style differences. “Read online about Generation X, Y and Z,” urged Dr. Savage, who blogs at http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com. “Understand Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn, even if you don’t use them. Respect for the major style differences is really important. Differences are not a threat.”

Bartlein regularly confers with younger colleagues to tap into their generational expertise. Her effort shows interest and provides connection. “Feel comfortable with the team approach and working in teams,” she said. “Enjoying the differences and not being judgmental can go a long way.”

Misunderstandings require a willingness to address the situation in a direct and positive way. When a conversation sparks a critical or defensive reaction, Dr. Ellenberg instead advises a “reality check.”

Start by asking “if it is a good time to talk, then say, ‘I have an impression and I want to check in with you,’” he said. Respectfully indicate discomfort with a situation and a desire to make things better. “We fill in blanks and tell ourselves stories about others’ behavior, but we are not always correct,” Dr. Ellenberg continued. “This spans all relationships. If you want a clearer relationship, you need to speak up. And if a person matters to you, it is never too late to have a conversation.”

New communication skills can be learned through seminars, books, and counseling. “People these days have to realize we are pioneers,” Dr. Ellenberg said.  “This is the first time in history when we can learn more about ourselves. We live in an amazing era of resources.”

“The starting point is to look at ourselves,” said Bartlein. “We can’t change anyone else. My best piece of advice: work on listening skills. We view communication as talk, but all of us need to hone in on watching body language and listening. That’s 90% of communication.”

–Monica M. Walk

Resources:

• Barbara Bartlein, R.N., C.I.C.S.W.: http://www.thepeoplepro.com/#
• Dr. Daniel Ellenberg:  http://relationshipsthatwork.com
• Dr. Elayne Savage: http://www.queenofrejection.com/

There are some who may consider it to be the adventure of lifetime, while others find that they were not so well prepared as they had imagined. 

Over the past century, life expectancy has increased 30 years. But how do we prepare for all that extra time?

Being Realistic

“There is a gap between what we want retirement to be and what it actually is,” said John T. Cacioppo, Ph.D., and director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neurosciences at the University of Chicago.  Dr. Cacioppo, an expert in social psychology, is a public speaker and a contributor and blogger for Psychology Today.   

Common problems are:               

• Self-esteem: Self was tied to position and work.
• Isolationism: Loss of social network.
• Ageism: Unexpected age discrimination.
• Disorientation: Loss of structure and purpose.
• Unrealistic goals: Not understanding all sides of questions.
• Family: Increasing demands from family.

Retirees often move to another location, but then may find that their social network is gone and that after six months or so the idyllic retirement setting does not seem so wonderful. Or in starting a second career, the retiree may find he or she is not as respected as at the last job. Without a work schedule, some retirees do not know how to organize their time. And some retirees find that the family expects them to be a baby-sitter or helper now that they “have the time.”

Susan D., a retired health care professional, moved from the suburbs to Chicago, expecting excitement and fun.  What she discovered was that high-rise living was an isolating experience. With the dense population and anonymity, the lakefront view was not enough to offset the lack of companionship.  She eventually transitioned to a smaller city.

“This is not uncommon” said Dr. Cacioppo. “The network we leave took years to build and is not easily replaced. Numbers are not important here, however. A person needs only one or two quality relationships to give life meaning again.”

Dr. Cacioppo said that women generally have an easier time with retirement or being laid off, because they can spend more time with family and friends, specifically female friends. 

The question to ask is, “What exactly do I want in this part of my life?”

Assessment and Experience

Maria Malayter, Ph.D., director of the Center for Positive Aging at National-Louis University in Chicago, wrote a book entitled Boomers: Visions of the New Retirement. From her research, she concluded that three key questions can put a person on the road to a happy retirement.

• What gives your life purpose?  To what are you committed and what do you get excited about?
• Where do you get your mental stimulation? What exactly gets you interested and excited among various types of mental stimulation such as volunteer work, formal education, on-the-job training, teaching, etc.?
• What kind of companionship would you like?  Who are the people with whom you would like to spend time?  What are your networks?

“These three are intricately linked and hard to separate,” said Dr. Malatyer.

“My transition from healthcare required that I look honestly at myself and forced me to discard ideas that no longer worked,” said Susan D. It led me from corporate life, to consulting, and finally to owning my own business.

“The journey was neither easy nor quick,” she said noting she had to be her own cheerleader and just “pushed through” with the help of supportive friends. 

Susan D. also had reared her four children and had been a caretaker for her sister and mother, both of whom recently had died.  She decided she no longer wanted a caretaker role.

“I still babysit occasionally, but I guess I began my businesses to avoid the family calls,” she admitted.

Now, after seven years of owning a business, Susan D. would like to move into something more meaningful that would incorporate her previous healthcare experience. To that end, she now volunteers with a group that serves children who are being raised by their grandparents.

Ageism not only comes from others, but can come from retirees themselves, as when they opt to associate only with others their own age with similar interests. Not only can that result in stagnation and a lack of being open to change, but it also can be depressing as the members of one’s social circle die off.

Dr. Cacioppo suggested socializing, working, and volunteering with younger people. For example, the organization Experiences Corp provides an opportunity for retirees 55 and above to teach children to read. Such activities provide an opportunity to share knowledge with youth, which can be meaningful and rejuvenating, and the mere act of getting involved with an outside organization can keep retirees moving physically.

Nurturing Networks

“Nurturing networks is essential,” said Marci Alboher, senior fellow at  Civic Ventures, a San Francisco-based think tank engaging boomers as a force for social change.  Alboher has written the book, One Person, Multiple Careers, A New Model for Work Life Success. She also created the Shifting Gears column and blog for the New York Times about work/life transitions and career diversity. 

“If there are no support groups, then create them yourself with the people from your employment or friends,” said Alboher, “Cheerleaders are important.”

Alboher offers several strategies for an enjoyable and meaningful retirement:

• Begin research on your interests before you leave your employment.  Ask for a “phased retirement,” although it may not be possible with all employers. This will give you a chance to explore new areas with a bit of structure in place.
• Learn new skills. It isn’t necessary to go back for formal education; there are classes offered through a variety of venues, such as continuing education courses at universities, professional organizations, and aging support centers.
• Volunteer. Volunteer opportunities may provide an idea of where your talents can be used, and also be a good option for learning new skills and providing a sense of purpose.
• Create a day-to-day schedule and long-term plan. Having a plan and strategy from which to work will help you realize what will and will not work. You can even “test drive” a move to a new location as part of your long-term plan by spending time there before you actually retire.
• Stay flexible. Opportunities come from various places and sources, so it is vital to listen and be ready for change.
• Open dialogue.  Look for opportunities to be in and promote dialogue in intergenerational settings.
• Take risks.  Growth comes from moving out of one’s comfort zone.

“It’s not customized,” said Alboher. “You will be finding more and more people identifying new pathways for living”.

When Susan D. asked why some elders are happier than others, she discovered that “the trip depends on you,” she concluded.

–Susan Fong

Resources:

• Marci Alboher: http://www.heyMarci.com
• Alboher, Marci. One Person/Multiple Careers: A New Model for Work/Life Success. Business Plus, 2007: http://www.amazon.com/One-Person-Multiple-Careers-Success/dp/0446696978
• Dr. John Cacioppo: http://psychology.uchicago.edu/people/faculty/cacioppo/index.shtml
• Cacioppo, John; and Patrick, William. Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. W. W. Norton & Co., 2007: http://scienceofloneliness.com/?q=homepage
• Civic Ventures: http://www.civicventures.org
• The Intergenerational Center at Temple University: http://templecil.org
• Dr. Maria K. Malayter: http://www.docmaria.com
• Stanford Center on Longevity: http://longevity.stanford.edu
• Southern Illinois University Year of the Engaged Older Adult: http://www.law.siu.edu/GenServeGen/home.html
• Mather LifeWays: www.MatherLifeWays.com

Deborah Forbes of Tierra Verde Salon & Spa in Tierra Verde, FL.

Dim lighting. Soothing wall color. The smell of lavender lingering in the air. Warm bed sheets. And most important of all, a massage therapist, like a healer from the mythic past, using skillful hand movements to revitalize a motionless body.

Sound good? Massage therapy can provide a peaceful oasis isolated from the stress of modern society.

“Our current lifestyles have us in a fight-or-flight pattern for much of the day,” said Deborah Forbes, a massage therapist and the owner of Tierra Verde Salon & Spa in Tierra Verde, FL. Forbes noted that in a fight-or-flight stage the body releases adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones are vital when fighting for survival; however, excessive quantities and prolonged presence of adrenalin and cortisol may be poisonous and negatively affect a person’s emotional and physical states. 

“As we continue to create stress on a daily basis, we feel the need to slow things down,” Forbes said. “Massage pulls the mind and body back into one entity, instead of being disassociated.”

An Ancient Art

Massage is one the oldest forms of medicine, and its traditions are found all around the globe. 

In 2100 BC in the Sumer Empire, a healer inscribed a remedy on a clay tablet advising that a diseased body part be healed by “rubbing” it.  The Huangdi Neijing, or Yellow Emperor’s Classic of Internal Medicine, was written in 200 BC in China and is considered the first book of traditional medicine; it recommends massage for certain ailments. The traditional Indian medicine system Ayurveda, the practice of which reaches back as far as the fifth century BC, also prescribes massage to treat numerous illnesses. The ancient Greeks and Romans would not pass on a chance to get a soothing and relaxing massage. Alexander the Great, who otherwise was busy conquering the world, had his personal triptai or massage specialist, who would help the great warrior to relax with massage and calming baths.

Paul Myer, Campus President, Cortiva Institute Chicago

The list of massage therapy benefits is a long one: it helps to enhance immune system; increases blood circulation, thus helping to heal wounds faster; eliminates toxins from the body; improves nutrition distribution to the tissues; has both stimulating and sedative effects on the nervous system; and many others.

For the last couple of decades, massage therapy has experienced a renaissance in the Western world.  “It is a growing industry based on increased consumer requests,” said Paul Myer, president of the massage therapy school the Cortiva Institute in Chicago. “Once consumers experience massage, they incorporate it into their routine to improve their quality of life,”

Robert King, Educational Consultant, Cortiva Institute

Increased interest in a wellness philosophy and alternative medicines has renewed interest in massage therapy. “Western medicine frequently addresses just symptoms of the illness, but not its causes,” said Robert King, author of numerous publications and cofounder and past president of the Chicago School of Massage Therapy. “For example, instead of taking aspirin for headache, people may consider taking a massage, especially if they really have a tight neck, scalp, or upper back muscles, all of which could be a causal factor for the headache.” King serves as an educational consultant for the Cortiva Institute and conducts advanced myofascial training (soft tissue therapy) throughout the country.

In the U.S., people have increasingly become interested in massage therapy as the level of stress in society has increased. “Stress exacerbates every disease,” King said. “If a person has a wound, illness, or psychological disorder, then excessive stress makes the condition worse. Alleviating stress is a very powerful component that helps the person’s health overall.”

Captives of a Stressful Routine

The human body’s response to environmental triggers shifts between two stages: “fight-or-flight” or “rest-and-digest.” When we feel threatened, body systems shift to fight-or-flight mode and prepare to fight for survival. This mode shuts down blood supply to the muscles, and increases blood pressure as well as heart and breathing rates. When there is no potential danger, the nervous system shifts to rest-and-digest mode: the body restores energy, maintains blood pressure at low rate, and ensures proper functioning of the digestive systems.

Bobbe Bermann, Director of Education, Cortiva Institute

During a massage session, the nerve endings in the skin send signals to the brain to relax and release tension. The body increases production of serotonin, a natural mood enhancing chemical, and endorphins, natural pain killers. “Endorphins combat the cortisol that is released in the body due to stress. If the body is less stressed, then its systems are able to work better and an individual experiences a sense of well being,” said Bobbe Bermann, director of education at the Cortiva Institute.

A study done by the American Massage Therapy Association’s Immediate Past- President M.K. Brennan indicates that chair massage reduces stress perception.   “Even the way we view things as being stressful can be changed,” Brennan said. Although more studies need to be done, recent findings indicate that massages enhances stress perception skills, Brennan noted.

M.K. Brennan, Past President, American Massage Therapy Association

“One of the benefits of the massage is taking time for oneself in a quiet environment, where you do not have to do anything and just be,” Brennan said.

Even entering a massage room and just lying with closed eyes, listening to soothing music, and being where everything is designed to be relaxing, sensual, and peaceful helps to calm the nervous system. General relaxation has been proven to help those who feel depressed, anxious, or angry.

Releasing Suppressed Emotions

A good massage therapist may help to release emotions and traumatic memories carried in the body for a long time. The late Austrian-American psychoanalyst and psychiatrist Wilhelm Reich, M.D., stated that the human body, by suppressing negative emotions or defending itself from outside stressors, starts building “neuromuscular armor.”  This “armoring” process can start as early as in childhood.

“Unexpressed anger often causes tension in the muscles of the back and arms that would have been used to strike out,” wrote Patricia J. Benjamin, Ph.D., in explaining Reich’s theories in Tappan’s Handbook of Healing Massage Techniques, based on earlier work by Frances M. Tappan, Ed.D. “Or, unexpressed grief may result in shallow breathing and stiffening of muscles used in crying.”

“Sometimes a trauma lingers in the body for years and people are not even conscious of it,” King explained. “When a massage therapist works on the area which was tight or tense for decades, the area begins to be freed-up and emotions and feelings may be released.”

Miraculous Healing Powers of Touch

It is not surprising that masterly manipulation, rubbing, stroking, and caressing of the skin have always been part of traditional healing methods, since a touch in itself is invaluable to every human being. “In the absence of touching and being touched, people of all ages can sicken and grow touch-starved,” writes naturalist Diane Ackerman, Ph.D., in her book A Natural History of the Senses. “In fetuses, touch is the first sense to develop, and in newborns it’s automatic before the eyes open or the baby begins to make sense of the world. Soon after we’re born, though we can’t see or speak, we instinctively begin touching,”

Numerous studies indicate that babies who are in consistent physical contact with their mothers or caregivers grow and develop faster, their emotions are more controllable, and they are calmer.

“People do not lose the need to be touched when they grow older,” Bermann explained. “A compassionate touch gives a body a sense of belonging, a sense of well-being, and more self-awareness.”

However, hectic daily routines, isolated hours spent in a car stuck in a traffic, friendships created in cyberspace, and rules and regulations defining the amount of touch allowed in a public and/or work environment often push a friendly, caring human touch into peripheral field of human communication. “I feel in this computer age, the interaction we have with other people is cerebral, which makes the human need for touch even more important,” said Forbes.

To benefit most from a massage it is important to have a trusting working relationship with a massage therapist, otherwise the whole potentially healing and relaxing experience may become irritating and stressful. Bermann and Paul Myer of Cortiva suggested verifying a massage therapist’s credentials–see if he or she has a license and liability insurance, belongs to a professional organization, and continues to obtain national certification.

“It is also important to talk to your friends and network to find out whom they would recommend,” Myer said. 

Since every human being is unique and every body responds to massage techniques differently, also it is important to discuss with the massage therapist one’s troublesome body areas and expectations, the Cortiva experts concluded.

–Gabija Steponenaite 

Resources:

• Dr. Diane Ackerman: http://dianeackerman.com
• American Massage Therapy Association: http://www.amtamassage.org/
• Benjamin, Patricia J.. Tappan’s Handbook of Healing Massage Techniques: Classic, Holistic, and Emerging Methods. Upper Saddle River, N.J.: Prentice Hall, 2009.
• Cortiva Institute: http://www.cortiva.com
• Deborah Forbes, Tierra Verde Salon & Spa: http://www.tierraverdesalon.com                                
• Tim Noonan: http://www.timnoonan.com.au/maspap98.htm

The modern world can make life feel like nothing but excess, with its fast pace, technology, and constant change. Women face extra pressure from shifting hormones that leave them more vulnerable to stress and from a stress load that’s often higher than men’s because of more intense time demands for family obligations.

The good news is that women in their 50s and beyond have an important advantage in overcoming stress and restoring balance.

“By 50, you recognize problems and how to deal with them from experience,” said of Eva Ritvo, MD, associate professor of clinical psychiatry at the University of Miami in Florida and co-author of The Beauty Prescription. “That can give you confidence.”

Joyce Scott of Austin, TX, agreed. The 50-plus Scott is a business consultant, public speaker, and founder of Superb Speakers, a firm that supplies experts on a wide variety of topics. By the time a woman has reached 50, Scott said, she most likely has raised a family, developed a family schedule and routine, and mastered time management. She has negotiated deals with plumbers, contractors, and hired help. She has researched medical diagnoses that have affected family members.

In essence, Scott said, she has “what she needs to know to be a chief executive officer of any corporation”—and has all she needs to manage her own life, too.

Make it easier to succeed

Women can make it easier to succeed at balance by paying attention to fundamentals. For example, Ritvo noted women 50 and above must be mindful of their health to keep life in balance. “You’ve got to have proper nutrition,” she said. “You have to exercise.” She added that younger women can ignore these needs, but women over 50 can’t—their bodies won’t let them.

Also, give yourself regular quiet time. Scott’s first recommendation: “Turn off the TV.” Idle entertainment for hours at time, she explained, drains a woman’s ability to think for herself, analyze her situation, and develop solutions to problems.

Be in the moment

Judy Harrison, a Virginia-based life coach and woman past 50, believes that, if you make good choices that make sense in the present moment, you can bring harmony into your life.

“I think we tend to get out of balance when we think about the future and think about what I need to get done for this, or what I need to get done for that,” Harrison said. Instead, the real question should be, “What do I need right now to be more harmonious?”

When the unexpected happens, or life becomes overwhelming, Harrison recommended women concentrate on “what in this moment is really important.” For example, you may have an inventory of errands or a long to-do list, but if something important occurs, say a call from your grandchild, just let the schedule go, Harrison said.

“It’s all about knowing what you personally need,” she continued. “We tend to overcomplicate things.”

Make a plan

For many women, Harrison’s flexible, intuitive approach may be enough to achieve balance. Others may need a more structured approach, however.

For 67-year-old motivational speaker and author C. Leslie Charles of East Lansing, MI, “balance isn’t something that happens accidently. It’s something that’s planned” so you can do the things you love without guilt or reservation.

Charles developed the four-point PLAN program to integrate work, family, and spirituality so her life remains in balance:

● Play

● Leave time for you

● Amplify your attitude

● Nurture yourself

Many of us have been taught to behave, be quiet, and work hard, but “by the time you are 50, you have license to play,” Charles said. To embrace point one of her program, she suggested flirting with your spouse or partner, being silly, and looking at the world with awe and wonder like a child.

For point two, she urged women to resist overscheduling themselves so they have time for the things they enjoy. Point three, amplifying your attitude, means having a sense of humor, being enthusiastic, and smiling. For point four, she recommended “indulgences such as a bubble bath, or time with a good book,” or other self-nurturing. “Be willing to do something for yourself,” she said.

Live your dream life

In Scott’s case, this kind of strategic approach made all the difference in achieving balance and living the life of her dreams.

Married 39 years and the mother of two, she grew up “a poor black girl,” she explained. “I moved up from the projects and into the ghetto. When I first had the right to go into a restaurant, I was 14. In third or fourth grade, I was picking cotton in Louisiana. I was cleaning houses.”

She developed her plan as a teenager and has followed it ever since: she and her husband paid their way through college, raised their sons, achieved individual success in their own fields, and stayed connected to their religious community throughout their life journeys.

“I knew I could be in charge of my life,” she said. “I understand how to show people how to be successful.  It’s substantial planning. You plan balance in your life.”

Try something new

For Scott, part of life’s equilibrium is always pursuing a new skill or taking on a project that scares her. She hated public speaking as a younger woman, but with her sons’ help and prodding, she now does it for a living.

“If I have a fear, I research it and find a plan of attack,” she added.

Charles, like Scott, believes strongly in life-long learning. “I recommend you try something you have never done before,” she said. “It’s never too late. It actually balances your brain.”

A longtime equestrian who competed in dressage for many years, Charles had to give up competitive riding as she got older. She wanted to stay active, though, so she took up disc golf, which uses golf’s rules but is played with a Frisbee.

“I was lousy at it,” Charles said, laughing. 

So she worked at it and got better. She joined a women’s disc golf league and eventually broke a distance record. Then she won a national championship.

“It’s just never too late,” she said.

–Mary Voelker

Resources:

• C. Leslie Charles: http://www.lesliecharles.com/
• Judy Harrison:  http://www.judyharrison.com/
• Eva Ritvo, MD: http://psychiatry.med.miami.edu/About-Department/Faculty28/Eva-Ritvo.aspx
• http://www.thebeautyprescription.com/
• Joyce Scott:  http://www.superbspeakers.com

“Basically, women are much more capable of positive thought and action than they realize,” said New Jersey-based Barbara Becker Holstein, Ed.D., an author and private practice psychologist for more than 30 years.

Herself a woman over 50, Dr. Holstein has found in her studies how to tap into that “positive zone.” She has developed a system to find what’s positive in a woman’s life and have her build on that feeling for better well-being.

“When you are thinking positive, you are feeling positive,” said Donald Dossey, Ph.D., of the Stress Management and Phobia Institute in Asheville, NC. “When you are thinking good thoughts, then your immune system is more highly activated,” he added.

In addition, relationships improve and you have better interactions with your family and coworkers, Dr. Dossey explained. Conversely, he noted, when you are entertaining negative feelings, or are experiencing a stressor, such as fear, “The immune system shuts down. When you are in fear, under stress, or thinking negatively, it’s the same thing.  Your memory is poor, you are irritable, your relationships suffer.”

A March 2009 study authored by a team led by Hilary Tindle, M.D., assistant professor of medicine at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, followed nearly 100,000 post-menopausal women as part of the Women’s Health Initiative  research funded by the National Institutes of Health. The research found that optimists had lower rates of death and fewer cases of some chronic conditions, such as heart disease, compared to pessimists.

 In addition, Suzanne C. Segerstrom, Ph.D., professor of clinical psychology at the University of Kentucky, was part of a team that authored a 1998 study of optimism and the immune system, which appeared in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

Optimists cope better

“Optimists cope differently with stressors, experience less negative mood, and may have more adaptive health behaviors– all of which could lead to better immune status,” Dr. Segerstrom’s study concluded. “Optimism has been shown to mitigate the effects of stressors on psychological functioning.”

Optimists have higher T-cell counts, which protect the body from infection, and have delayed “flight or fight” responses to stress, which can tax the body, the research determined. That study cited past research which provided the groundwork for the Segerstrom team’s work.  In 1989, a group led by Michael F. Scheier, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Carnegie Mellon University, found optimism was tied to better physical health. 

In addition, two more studies found optimism induced successful coping with health challenges. Among them, research by Charles S. Carver, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Miami, and colleagues established in a 1993 study that optimists adjusted better to health challenges.

The Segerstrom study “contributes to a growing body of evidence that elucidates the relation of optimism and other psychosocial factors to biological processes associated with physical health,” the study said. “The investigation thus indicates that beliefs about events, appraisals about events, and associated affective changes are important.”

Effects of stress

There also is research that ascertains that prolonged and intense stress, even among optimists, can tread on the immune system. Aside from immunity, negative feelings also may cause relationship problems.

David Gilbert, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Southern Illinois University, said negative feelings and attitude could translate into relationship problems and breakups. In addition, stress causes the release of a hormone called cortisol, which suppresses the immune system and leaves the body vulnerable to viruses and infections, he explained.

Optimism and positive thinking may be hard to come by these days, but Dr. Holstein said women can reach a plateau of positive thinking, and she developed a way to do it. She formulated the positive psychology method called “The Enchanted Self,” designed to promote happiness. She developed what she called “gateways to happiness” as stepping stones to emotional health. They include the following recommendations:

●Discover and honor your talents, strengths, coping skills, and potential.

●Love the story of your life and find ways to fall in love with who you are.

●Learn how to get your needs met.

●Take time to replenish, to enjoy life, and to find meaning and purpose every day.

●Belong and don’t isolate.

●Be a mentor and find mentors.

●Live generously. Do positive actions and good deeds.

“If a woman practices the first gateway, whether 23 or 83, she is going to get better in touch in what she has to offer society,” Dr. Holstein said.

The second gateway is important in finding your unique accomplishments, and giving yourself credit for what you have done. For example, were you the first person in your family to graduate from college? Respect that accomplishment, Dr. Holstein suggested.

The third gateway is designed to help women achieve what they need. Even women over 50 may require training or learn a new skill, Dr. Holstein added.

The fourth step is focused on renewing.  “We need to recognize we tend to run on empty because we are helping others,” she said. “It’s very important to replenish ourselves.”

The last three points are directed at staying connected and sharing with friends, family, colleagues, and people you come in contact with during your life’s journey, she said.

“All the research shows, when we give, we feel better,” she pointed out.

Pamela Johnson of Texas, founder of the Secret Society of Happy People, a decade-old organization dedicated to spreading good feeling, said, “When happiness is a part of your life, you express it. It’s kind of a ripple effect.”

“There are numerous studies that show you have physical health benefits from happiness,” Johnson said.

Although she advocates optimism and good cheer, Johnson doesn’t dismiss the fact that we all will confront disappointment, sadness, and even tragedy in our lives. Don’t ignore the pain, she advocates, but try to coexist with it.

“They quickest way to be happy is feel the pain,” she said. “There are still positive things in an unhappy moment.  You don’t need to be consumed by it. You can start coming up with ideas.  You can move into a more creative zone instead of hitting a wall.”

Unfortunately, if you tend towards sarcasm and criticism, you will tend to surround yourself with people who share the same negative feelings, and it becomes harder and harder to break free from the grip of despair, Johnson explained.

Women over 50, who may be confronted with career and life changes, can face these issues with confidence, Johnson added.

“I think women are resilient,” she asserted. “They trend and move with the times. Embrace the attitude of what’s next.  Don’t get stuck on what was.  There are a lot of people who have been empowered at 50 plus.”

She cited Martha Stewart and Georgia O’Keefe as role models who came into their own later in life.

“Instead of an end, it is a beginning,” she concluded.

—    Mary Voelker

Resources:

• Dr. Charles S. Carver: http://www.psy.miami.edu/faculty/ccarver/
• Dr. Donald Dossey: http://www.drdossey.com/
• Dr. David Gilbert: http://www.psychology.siu.edu/faculty/david_gilbert.htm
• Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein: http://www.enchantedself.com/
• The Secret Society of Happy People: http://www.sohp.com/
• Dr. Michael F. Scheier: http://www.psy.cmu.edu/people/scheier_vita.pdf
• Dr.  Suzanne Segerstrom:
• http://www.as.uky.edu/academics/departments_programs/Psychology/Psychology/faculty_research/ faculty/suzannesegerstrom/Pages/default.aspx
• Dr. Hilary Tindle: http://pmbcii.psy.cmu.edu/tindle/index.html
• Women’s Health Initiative: http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/whi/

The studies:

Scheier, M. F.; Matthews, K. A.; Owens, J. F.; Magovern, G. J.; Lefebvre, R. C. Sr.; Abbott, R. A.; and Carver, C. S. (1989). “Dispositional optimism and recovery from coronary artery bypass surgery: The beneficial effects on physical and psychological well-being.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 57, 1024–104.

Stanton, A. L.; and Snider, P. R. (1993). “Coping with a breast cancer diagnosis: A prospective study.” Health Psychology, 12, 16–23.

Carver, C. S.; Pozo, C.; Harris, S. D.; Noriega, V.; Scheier, M. F.; Robinson, D. S.; Ketcham, A. S.; Moffat, F. L. Jr.; and Clark, K. C. (1993). “How coping mediates the effect of optimism on distress: A study of women with early stage breast cancer.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 65, 375–390.

Tindle, H.A.; Chang, Y.F.; Kuller, L.H.; et al (2009). “Optimism, Cynical Hostility, and Incident Coronary Heart Disease and Mortality in the Women’s Health Initiative.” Published online 10 August 2009.

Holidays are perhaps the toughest times for those who have suffered the death of a beloved spouse or partner.

A succession of holidays coming back-to-back–Thanksgiving, the Christmas season, New Year’s, and Valentine’s Day—only serve to heighten the sense of loss. With a loved one absent on those occasions, we need to know we are not alone. Help can range from counseling one-on-one, to joining a group of people with similar losses, to proactively using coping strategies recommended by experts.

Eileen “Ellie” Meindl O’Hagan, a Chicago artist, in 2009 experienced her first holidays without her husband of 25 years due to his recent death. She said she managed with the help of a therapist and by forcing herself “to smile during family dinners,” and will manage future holidays with the aid of her counselor as well.

Understanding that you are going through what almost everyone who suffers a similar loss goes through is a start.

“I think losing a spouse must be one of the hardest things in life,” right up there with “losing a child also,” said Rhonda Borman, a psychotherapist, social worker, and grief expert based in Nashville, TN.

Evolution of Emotions

“For someone who is newly widowed, the emotions can run the gamut,” Borman said. First, there’s numbness. Then anger. Then learning to cope without your beloved. The worst is a feeling of desperation.

“I had a great husband,” O’Hagan said. “We were friends and lovers and companions. We had plans.” Some times, she climbs into her car and drives around in tears.

After losing her husband to a heart attack in July, the 60-year-old widow had to sell his business, look for a less-expensive apartment, and make plans to move out of an art studio. She is living with her daughter until tenants vacate the upstairs of her daughter’s two-flat.

“Everything I had is gone or going,” O’Hagan said. “I am beginning all over.”

O’Hagan is looking forward to the New Year, when she expects to settle in her new home and resume painting abstract art. She expects the pain of losing her husband to ease in a year or two. “There is no rush,” she said. “I am going to lick my wounds for a while.”

The grieving process takes time, said Suzy Yehl Marta, founder and president of a not-for-profit grief-coping advising organization called Rainbows, based in Rolling Meadows, IL. Marta is an expert in grief resulting from death or divorce.

“First and foremost, people need to allow themselves time to grieve,” Marta said. “It does not stop with sobbing at the cemetery. It takes a number of years.”

In the first year, grieving people should tune into their feelings and take care of themselves, Marta said. The second year also is very painful. A lot of the support system eases away, often causing grieving people to feel isolated.

Avoid Isolation

How you deal with your loss depends on your personality, Borman said. “Some people prefer to grieve alone, but it is important to not isolate yourself; stay connected,” she noted. Borman suggested that the grieving person make time for others and be somewhat more “assertive” in scheduling time with family and friends.

O’Hagan had seven brothers and sisters; her husband was the eldest of eight. She sees a lot of her siblings, in-laws, her own two children, and numerous nieces and nephews.

“Find a good therapist,” Borman said, and “a support group that is run by a reputable agency. Grief-support groups exist in many cities, even for the families of victims of violent crime, Borman said. Check around if you believe you need a group.

Also, “one of the best things to do is to get some books on grief and loss,” Marta said.

Both Borman and Marta recommend volunteer work as a way to heal. “Reach out of yourself and help someone else,” Marta said.

This time of the year is almost perfect. At the holidays, many of the “helping organizations” are short on staff, Borman noted. She suggested simple things such as offering to drive for Meals on Wheels or helping children in hospitals.

Coping Exercises

Borman offered several self-help strategies:

●Be sure you get enough sleep. Count down from 100 by seven. If still are not asleep, just start over. If the countdown does not work after trying a few times in a 30- minute span, try chamomile tea or reading. Or, try sleeping in a different room or on a sofa until you accept our loss.

●Allow “worry time.” Six to eight times a day, lie down and imagine standing outside a bank vault, opening the vault, and opening a box containing all your worries. Let the worries float out and permeate you. After nine minutes, put the worries back into the box. Tell yourself, “I can’t worry until the next period.”

●Combat low energy and difficulty motivating yourself. Make up a schedule with quarter-hour increments. Fill in every 15-minute period and follow the schedule. Find something to fill up the schedule, even if it’s only watching a particular TV show.

Try New Traditions

Holidays are especially hard because of your traditions as a couple, Marta said. Consider what traditions you want to change. Involve your children in discussions about changes. “Be honest with the kids,” Marta said. “Tell them what you need. There’s something very healing in talking about it.”

O’Hagen will visit her son and his wife in London after Christmas. “When I come back, it will be a new year and I will have put the holidays behind me,” she said. “I would love to be in suspended animation and wake up in the spring.”

“The whole grief process involves making time for yourself,” Marta said. “Ask yourself, ‘Who am I today?’ You are a different person now than before marriage.”

O’Hagan is working on that. She quit painting after her husband’s death. “There is so much going on now that I don’t have the focus, but I’m not worried about that,” she said. O’Hagen plans to resume painting next year in the spare bedroom of her new apartment, and expects her experience to show in the new abstracts. “I know when it breaks through it is going to be big in my art,” she said.

“I am so lucky I can sit here and let the grief have its way,” O’Hagan said. She still sees her counselor. “She really helped me a lot. I still see her to make sure I am not going off the deep end. I am not.”

“It is a journey,” Marta said, noting the journey has “a lot of phases of ups and downs. “Move forward through depression to recognize life does go on.”

Acknowledge that what you are going through can actually be a sort of “positive process,” concluded Borman. “Grief is nature’s way of reminding us that our time with that person was real.”

–Susan S. Stevens

 Resources:

• Rhonda Borman, www.rhondaborman.com
• Susy Yehl Marta, www.rainbows.org

Meditation can be done in fewer than five minutes and is beneficial for anyone–and even more valuable for women 50 and above, according to specialists.

“Meditation means different things to different people,” said Barbara Grace Elam, MS, LCPC, wellness coordinator of the stress management program at Southern Illinois University (SIU) in Carbondale, IL. “It can be as simple as ‘quiet time’ or prayer; focusing on the breath; focusing on an inspirational phrase or word; or focusing on a beautiful scene or image.” Mindfulness–heightened awareness concerning one’s body or surroundings–also can be considered a type of meditation, she said.

“We live in a stressful world, in which more and more people take medication for mood management,” said Elam. “Meditation is a natural tranquilizer with no negative side effects on the body.”

When you meditate regularly you begin to see the results in your activity, according to Lissa Coffey, a California-based lifestyle design and relationship expert, broadcast journalist, and author of  What’s Your Dosha, Baby? Discover the Vedic Way for Compatibility in Life and Love. Coffey said meditation makes you more focused and energetic, and that you sleep better and feel better.

Stress relief is a major benefit of meditation, said Coffey. “When we are stressed, the channels that connect mind and body get ‘clogged’ so that they can’t communicate as effectively or efficiently with each other.” She said meditation allows the body’s physiology to relax in such a way that these channels open and information can flow freely. “Meditation helps us to maintain our health,” she asserted.

More Time and Energy

Because women 50 and above are particularly busy with many responsibilities, said Coffey, “Meditation is a great way for them to take care of themselves so that they have the time and energy to handle anything that comes their way. It is a great habit to get into.”

Elam added that meditation can activate improvements in appearance, as stress can make skin break out and also can cause weight gain.

In addition, meditation helps people medically. Santa Barbara, CA-based Jay Winner, M.D., author of Take the Stress Out of Your Life: A Medical Doctor’s Proven Program to Minimize Stress and Maximize Health, said meditation has been shown to be beneficial for a variety of health problems including headaches, high blood pressure, psoriasis, and chronic pain.

“For instance,” he said, “over the course of an approximately 19-year study of people with high blood pressure, people who meditated had a 23% decreased chance of dying” because of lowered blood pressure and reduced risk of stroke. The study is from the American Journal of Cardiology, May 1, 2005, titled “Long-Term Effects of Stress Reduction on Mortality in Persons (greater than or equal to) 55 Years of Age with Systemic Hypertension.”

Dr. Winner said regular meditation is also associated with an increase of activity of an area of the brain associated with well-being, and also with a decrease in the thinning of brain tissue–which tends to occur with aging. “Meditation can help deal with the symptoms of menopause,” he said.

As women age, they tend to be more prone to heart disease, said Elam, who noted “Meditation can be helpful to the cardiovascular system. In the stress response by the body, blood pressure increases, heart rate increases, and blood sugar and insulin increase.” But during the relaxation response, which is induced by meditation, all those physiological responses decrease, she said. 

Quiet Time

In order to meditate, you don’t need any special equipment; just setting time aside regularly will do. Meditation can be done indoors or outside, but a quiet area is the best environment. “Turn off the phone and any nearby electronics, close your eyes,” said Coffey. “If you meditate at the same time and in the same place each day, then as time goes on you will get used to the routine and fall into a meditative state more easily.”

Elam said at the Wellness Center at SIU, staff recommend at least two minutes of focused, deep diaphragmatic breathing several times a day.

“Most people think that meditation is ‘not-thinking,’ or clearing your mind, and when they find that they can’t do that, they get frustrated and give up,” said Coffey. “We can’t stop thinking, so don’t try. Just sit. Just be. Breathe. Sit in silence, and when a thought comes your way, let it drift by like a cloud; let it go.”

Coffey said you can mantra into your consciousness, making a sound like “om” to distract yourself from petty thoughts. Whenever other thoughts come into your mind, guide yourself back to your mantra. “You can also count your breath, either on the inhale or exhale,” Coffey explained. “Count up to five, and back down to one. If a thought interrupts you, start again.”

Dr. Winner said every time you realize that your attention has drifted off, without any judgments bring your attention back to the breath. “If your attention wanders 100 times in ten minutes, patiently bring it back 100 times,” said Dr. Winner. “Additionally, you may then try relaxing one body part at a time from your feet up to your head.”

Silence Sandwich

Coffey suggested meditating twice a day, every day, to “sandwich” the day in silence. She advised it be done first in the morning after waking up, but before breakfast or working out.  “You’ll start the day alert, relaxed, and refreshed,” she said.

The second meditation should be done late in the late afternoon, after work but before dinner. “You’ll alleviate the stress of the day and be relaxed to enjoy the evening and get a good night’s sleep,” she said. For maximum benefit, Coffey suggested striving for 30 minutes each time; however, if you are busy and can only do ten minutes, this is fine too. “The regularity of the practice is the most important factor in seeing results,” she explained.

There are many kinds of meditation. Some that Coffey talked about are walking meditation, nature meditation, and visual meditation.

With the last two you can take a little break from work, and remind yourself of your connection with spirit while sitting right at your computer, said Coffey, noting “The idea is to put your attention on the object of your meditation, and to let all other thoughts drift away.” In your mind in a nature meditation, “you can sit under a tree, walk barefoot on the grass, use your senses to experience the present moment, the sound of the birds, the feel of the breeze, the smell of the flowers, the taste of the fresh air, the beauty all around,” Coffey said.

She noted that meditation does not have to take a lot of time. “You can meditate by focusing on the breath and being present as you’re waiting at a stoplight, in line at the grocery store, or waiting in a doctor’s office,” Coffey said.

Dr. Winner agreed. “Meditations as short as six minutes can help decrease your stress,” he said. “The decrease in your stress level and ease of practice will likely convince you to make meditation a regular part of your day.”

In addition to being a relaxation exercise, practicing meditation daily can teach you to be more “present” and less distracted during the day, said Dr. Winner. “So even when you don’t have six minutes free, your meditation has taught you to quickly let go of distractions and enjoy the current breath, bite of food, or footstep.” 

Regular meditation can improve your physical health and your emotional well-being, as you learn to enjoy each moment of the day to its fullest.

–Jennifer Nunez

Resources:

• Academy for Guided Imagery: http://www.academyforguidedimagery.com/whatisguidedimagery/page25/page26/page34/page34.html
• American Journal of Cardiology: http://www.ajconline.org/
• Lissa Coffey: http://www.coffeytalk.com
• Barbara Grace Elam: http://shc.siuc.edu/wellness%20pages/wellness_home.htm
• Dr. Jay Winner: http://www.sansumclinic.org/site.asp?s=9&actapp=8b&id=2DA9FDBFE52C4B059593D4E5AEF7A77A&innerid=430581B7301C401FA688D77A041EE39D

The holidays have the potential to be full of love, celebration, giving, and sharing. Yet why do women in particular feel stress and anxiety during this time? If you’re someone who struggles with the holiday blues each year, you’re not alone. Read on for tips to combat and reduce stress during the holiday season.

Holiday perfection

“There’s a script that women have been given by society,” said Anankha Chandler, holistic practitioner at The Reference Point in Fremont, CA. “We have to cook and bake everything perfectly, make the house look jolly, have the perfect gift or holiday card, and essentially be Wonder Woman.”

Chandler believes some women base their self worth on whether they meet these expectations, but such a goal is detrimental to their well being.

“Forcing ourselves internally to achieve the perfection at this time of year puts tremendous stress on us,” she said. “The adrenals start to go, along with the liver, brain chemistry, and hormones.”

Women are way too hard on themselves—they have unreasonable expectations for perfection, Chandler said. Because of this, she suggests that women visualize themselves as they were at five years old.

“Imagine telling this sweet little girl that she’s not good enough because what she’s doing is not perfect,” she said. “We wouldn’t dare say that to a five-year-old face, yet we send this message internally all day long.”

It’s important to find ways to self-nurture, especially during the holidays when it’s easy to get wrapped up in busy schedules and obligations. Taking control over the many responsibilities and whittling them down to a manageable amount alleviates stress and opens up time and energy so women can eat healthy, exercise, and get enough sleep each night.

Chandler recommends at this time of year that women take a B complex vitamin—often called a “stress” vitamin because B vitamins are the first to be depleted when a person is under stress.

In addition, stress hormones are produced and regulated by the adrenal glands. Taking an adrenal complex capsule (found at a health food store or one recommended by your doctor) can promote optimal adrenal health during stressful times.

Washington, DC, psychologist Carole Stovall, Ph.D., said she encourages her clients to set realistic goals for the holidays, rather than striving for absolute perfection. And when shopping for gifts, plan to spend less—reducing financial stress during this time can help shift the focus of the holiday as well.

“We’re taking the emphasis away from the spending and connecting to what’s important during the holiday,” Dr. Stovall said. “Everyone’s in the same boat, so let’s slow down and concentrate on the meaning of the holidays, enjoying the moments with family and friends.”

Organization to reduce stress

Simplification strategist Debbye Cannon offers five ways to reduce stress in this season:

●Group similar activities together. Run errands all at once. Decorate by the room, and when you pack up your décor, pack it by the room and label the box so next year’s decorating will be even faster.

●Decide whether the activities on your schedule are done out of guilt and obligation, or if they are meaningful to you. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the guilt, but Cannon said the reality is that often, you won’t be missed. Learn to say no to social obligations.

●Clear the clutter. Everything you keep requires your time, space, and energy, not to mention money. Go through your old decorations that you don’t like anymore, and hang on to the items that are meaningful and important. “I use my stuff and enjoy it more because I have less,” Cannon said.

●Avoid making long to-do lists. It’s not worth it to stare at a big list and feel overwhelmed with how much needs to get done. Instead, schedule each item in a calendar or planner. Give each item a time and date and run that errand or make that call. “If you’re not reserving time, it’s not going to happen,” Cannon said.

●Practice positive self talk. Women tend to compare themselves when they are at their worst with women who are at their best. Rather than saying, “I’m so busy, the holidays are so busy,” speak what you want the truth to be. Don’t talk in a state of chaos and frenzy.

Cannon had one more piece of advice—“If you find yourself saying, ‘I don’t have the time,’ it really means you don’t want to do it. People will make time for things they want to do.”

Other tips for reducing stress:

Organization expert and author Susan Silver, president of Positively Organized, has a few other suggestions for avoiding stress during the holidays:

 ●Simplify and reduce what you’re going to buy, wrap, cook, bake, and do this year.

●Share the planning and preparation with others, if possible.

●Select the most fun parts and find ways to enjoy what you’re doing, when you’re doing it.

●Acknowledge what you’re getting done, rather than worrying about what you still have to do.

●Take breaks and continue to refresh and rejuvenate yourself through exercise, meditation, relaxation, and any other ways that are nourishing for you.

●Let go of perfectionism.

●Allow enough time, but not too much time. Work expands to fill the time available. Try giving yourself time limits using a countdown timer for various activities.

–Sarah Severson

Resources:

• Debbye Cannon: http://www.businessmommentor.com/
• Anankha Chandler, The Reference Point: http://www.thereferencepoint.com/
• Ava Fairbanks: http://www.ideamarketers.com/?How_to_Reduce_Stress_During_the_Holidays&articleid=449169
• Seattle and King County WA Department of Public Health: http://www.kingcounty.gov/healthservices/health/news/2006/06112101.aspx
• Susan Silver: http://www.posorg.net/
• Dr. Carole Stovall: http://www.slsglobal.com/

Let’s be honest: By the time you reach your 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond, you have been around the bases, been around the block, and kissed a lot of frogs, and maybe a few princes. And when it comes to midlife dating and mating, it may sound like a good idea in theory, but jumping in can be a very scary prospect.

If you are single in mid-life, “you literally have to make room for dating and decide if it is something you really want,” said Judith Seifer, Ph.D., certified sex therapist and former president of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. “You must know that is will be difficult to physically as well as emotionally merge two well-lived lives.”

Dating in your 50s and above is dramatically different than dating in your 20s. Those years have cultivated a variety of experiences–the good, the bad, and the ugly. But it may be those experiences that give the 50-and-over dating experience its own value.

“I usually ask women in midlife: ‘What exactly are you looking for in a partner?’” said Dr. Seifer. “Is it a marriage, a relationship, a fling, or somebody to get dressed up for and go out to dinner with on Saturday night? Sometimes the answer is all of the above.”

Whatever the answer, an honest talk with yourself about your motives is important.

A process       

Getting into the midlife dating scene begins as a process, similar to that one might use in planning for a nice vacation. Dr. Seifer and Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem, M.Ed., both agree that the best way to begin is to write a list of criteria that one prefers in a relationship or partner.

“The first thing that women need to be aware of is that this is not a hunt to find the perfect man,” said Belleghem, a registered marriage and family therapist. “I think it is very important for women to have a criteria list, and the more you people you meet and consider, go back and refine your list.”

When Kathy, 69, a professional working in an Illinois university, decided to get back into the dating scene after her marriage ended, she thought she knew exactly what she wanted.

“After almost ten years of separation, it occurred to me that I was missing something, and it was time to consider dating again,” Kathy said. “I had very specific things I wanted: somebody who didn’t smoke, somebody who was Catholic, and someone who wasn’t much of a drinker. That screened out most of the population,” she explained.

While her criteria may have been due to some bad past experiences (she said her ex-husband is a recovering alcoholic), by knowing what she wanted, Kathy was able to meet her now-boyfriend of four years, and said that the time spent with him has been “the best time of my life.”

Listen to intuition

Dr. Seifer believes it is important to listen to your intuition. Just like your gut would probably tell you not to pet the roaring lion in the middle of the jungle on a safari vacation, your intuition will help guide you into the arms of the right partner.

“Intuition sharpens with life experience and the wisdom you acquired from early on in your life,” Dr. Seifer said. “You need to pay attention, trust it, and hone it. If you get a gut reaction to somebody, you better pay attention to it. That is your body’s first line of defense.”

Getting back into the dating scene takes more than just intuition, however. Your new adventure requires understanding more than just what you want, but also which qualities you possess. It becomes a process of learning about yourself, Belleghem noted.

“If you want a man to share your life, you need to know what your ideal life would be like and be upfront about it,” Belleghem said. “Look at your list and ask yourself, ‘how many of these wants do I fit?’”

Flexibility

As time goes on, certain routines or ways of life become ingrained and those deep-rooted habits become hard to change.

Mary Deady, a high school business teacher in upstate New York, never thought she would get married. But at the age of 51, she reconnected with and eventually married a long-lost crush from grammar school, and she was challenged to completely change her life.

“I was very happy being single and independent; it would have been nice to have a companion but I wasn’t going to settle,” Deady said. “I had a couple good friends who had wonderful marriages, and that was my ideal. If I couldn’t have that, I decided I’d rather be single.”

Deady, while sure about the type of relationship she wanted, was willing to make some changes—the biggest one being a move from the Chicago area to upstate New York. The transition was “difficult,” she said, but just as she had in her career, she worked hard at making the transition a success.

Long-ingrained ways of life can actually be advantageous, she noted. Being single most of her life, Deady became very organized–traits that her husband admires and values and which he feels enhance their life together.

While vacations can bring you a change of scenery, dating can bring a change in your outlook and life. That new experience can be invigorating, changing the old to the new and the bad to the good.

“To stay alive, vital, and energized throughout life we need change,” Belleghem concluded. “Own your personal power to make choices in your life and to make your life proceed in the fashion that you want.”

–Nadeen Nakib

Resources:

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem: http://www.mbcinc.ca/

Dr. Judith Seifer: http://www.spoke.com/info/p6IpKje/JudithSeifer

“When I got divorced, it was in 26 newspapers and on Paul Harvey’s radio show,” Dr. Hudson said. “Having gone through a divorce where there is betrayal, it takes years to regain trust in people.”

It was her second divorce.  She did recover with the help of her “four very wonderful, supportive children,” recalled Dr. Hudson,  and is remarried.

Most women 50 and over don’t have to worry about their divorce being a media sensation. Yet the crushing pain and loss are just as real. Women’s advocates advise that divorce is not the end of your life.  For many women, it is the beginning of a new, rewarding journey.

Consistent, yet different

Census figures show that since 1970, the percentage of divorced women over 45 has hovered between 2% and 3% of the adult population of the United States.

Catherine M. Byrne, JD

Yet, there has been a change in the past four decades. Chicago divorce attorney Catherine M. Byrne said in her practice, she has seen more women in the last ten- to-15 years who are not only prepared for the divorce, but are prepared to take care of themselves as well.

“Women are more sophisticated in a divorce,” she said. “They’re not afraid. They are more financially stable.”

A divorcee herself and a mother of three, Byrne went from being a stay-at-home mom in a big home in an expensive Chicago suburb to a professional who had to build her law practice from a smaller home that she could afford while raising her children.

But she will not tell you it didn’t hurt.

Divorce will not only gut a woman’s emotions, but can put a woman in a tailspin financially as well if she doesn’t have a way to support herself, the experts said.

Dr. Hudson said the financial impact of divorce a woman 50 and over is based largely on her work history.

“It depends on whether a woman has worked outside the home,” Dr. Hudson explained.  “It is devastating if she hasn’t.”

Byrne added her clients who have no means of financial support, or who are totally dependent on their husbands, “are in panic mode.”

Divorce common sense

Judy Colbert, 68, of Crofton, Maryland, is an author and writer who divorced at age 53 after 33 years of marriage.

Colbert wrote The Divorce Common Sense Handbook, and agrees with Dr. Hudson that the divorce process can be more threatening for women who have not worked outside the home.  She advises that if you are in a large three-or-four-bedroom home and are just entering the job market after many years as a homemaker, offer the home to your spouse as part of the divorce settlement, or agree to sell it.  A large mortgage, property taxes, and maintenance can easily devour a women’s budget.

In addition, she urged women to hire their own attorney, cancel credit cards, and establish credit in their own name. Even if you have a shared credit history with your spouse, you must take out loans in your own name to have an individual credit history, she added.  If you don’t, getting a big loan for a car or other large purchase will be a problem.  Many employers check credit worthiness when they evaluate applicants.

If you can’t afford your own attorney, some local bar associations will partner with non-profit groups to provide legal counsel and advice. In Chicago, for example, the local bar association partners with Illinois Legal Aid to offer legal counsel on divorce.

Colbert strongly advised against storming out of the house, grabbing your things, and vowing never to come back.  She said that is considered “desertion” and is treated harshly by the courts.

Byrne, however, disagreed.  Courts will look at a woman’s overall contribution to the household over the years and will not penalize for emotional decisions, she said.

“Courts will look at marriage like a business and will decide how to divide up the assets equally,” Byrne added, noting divorce laws vary by state.

Be strategic

Byrne further recommended that women have a good picture of the couple’s assets at the time of the divorce, a plan on how to divide them, and a strategy of how to provide for yourself after the decree is issued.

Colbert also recommended women in the divorce process get their own phone number and forego fighting over such non-monetary assets as the wedding pictures; in fact, she suggested getting a duplicate copy of the wedding album.

Overall, “Women are much more resilient,” Dr. Hudson added. “They are in a much better position to take care of themselves.”

She suggested that women recovering from divorce literally burn old love letters or mementos, and then do something positive, such as reading from an inspiring author and then celebrating with friends at dinner.  She said such behavior is part of the grieving process, similar to dealing with a death.

When you catch yourself sentimentalizing about the good times, Dr. Hudson said be sure to recall the bad times as well.

“Take a vow to really take care of and protect yourself in future relationships,” she said.

When it’s time to embark on dating, Colbert suggested joining clubs or organizations in which you have an interest, and meeting men in those venues. She said try to build a new relationship on common interests.

Dr. Hudson contends women are more likely to receive support from children and extended family than men. A man in a middle of divorce may not know how to cook, do the laundry, or be able to call the kids because he doesn’t have their phone numbers.  Most women have been doing these things for years, she said.

But support from adult children will vary, she noted. Some will applaud their mom’s decision to divorce, and ask why she didn’t do it sooner. Others may bristle at the thought of taking care of dad after the divorce. And if a woman has troubled relationships with children, the divorce may exacerbate those problems.

Dr. Hudson said during her very public divorce, she found support from her children and family, speaking to her son Nick every day.

Support groups

Support groups, both religious and secular, are available online and in community calendars in your local newspaper.

For example, Divorce Care, an international support program with a Christian focus, has a web site and local groups that meet in areas all over the United States.

“It is focused on Christ and healing,” said Naomi Ford-Bolt, Divorce Care consultant. “It’s giving yourself the opportunity to share, let go, and be vulnerable and open to healing.  There has to be a time of forgiveness.”

Colbert entered into a relationship with a new man shortly after her divorce, but he passed away two years ago. After grieving his loss, she now again dates on occasion.

“Dating is a totally different thing” than when younger, she said.  “You don’t have to go out every Saturday night.”

Dr. Hudson maintains that older women are slightly less likely to remarry.  “I think it’s much more that they don’t want to marry than they can’t.”

Colbert reflected on her life after divorce from her verbally abusive husband. “Divorce is a lot of freedom from a lot of things,” said Colbert.  “You do what you want, when you want.”

Concluded Byrne, “My divorce was revolutionary.  I became a much stronger person.”

—    Mary Voelker

Resources:

Catherine M. Byrne, http://www.chicagofamilylawfirm.com/

Judy Colbert: http://www.judycolbert.com

Divorce Care: http://www.divorcecare.com/

Dr. Pat Hudson: http://www.pathudson.com/

Illinois Legal Aid: http://www.illinoislegalaidonline.org/