By the time most women turn 50, they have hundreds of relationships with friends, family, neighbors, colleagues, and workout buddies. Is there a way to make these relationships better, longer lasting and more meaningful? We asked a few experts for their insights and recommendations.

“What is the meaning of my life?” and “What allows me to feel my life on this planet is meaningful in some way?” are the questions driving that willingness to change, according to Daniel Ellenberg, Ph.D., a Novato, CA-based therapist and co-founder and co-director of Relationships that Work, an organization dedicated to communication skill improvement for relationships.

The fact that some of a person’s friends and loved ones may have passed on by the time a woman is 50 may actually encourage her to improve communication with others. “The power of death adds meaning to life, and gives the opportunity to drop old ego stuff in our ego-driven culture,” Dr. Ellenberg said.

“Pretense is gone,” agreed Barbara Bartlein, R.N., C.I.C.S.W.,  an expert in relationships and organizational culture located in Milwaukee, WI, and author of Why Did I Marry You Anyway?: Overcoming the Myths That Hinder a Happy Marriage. “We can share experiences and really talk.”

‘Purposeful Introspection’

Purposeful introspection paves the way for connecting with others. Dr. Ellenberg provides clients with his “V.I.P.P.: strategy: 

• Vision: what you want.
• Intention: why you want it.
• Plan: how to create it.
• Practice: what specifically will you do.

“V.I.P.P. offers an opportunity to create common ground, or find out what is not so common,” he said.  “It is important to find out what you want in relationships…to understand what drives us, and our core beliefs about who we are.”

Regardless of age, some form of communication problem brings most clients into the Berkeley, CA, office of marriage and family therapist Elayne Savage, Ph.D.  

“Misunderstandings lead to anger, hurt feelings, and resentment, and there is no room for connection,” said the author of Breathing Room and Don’t Take it Personally.  “Communication means learning to be clear and specific. Don’t leave room for others to fill in the blanks.”

Bartlein calls this scenario the “glass head mentality”–we think others can look inside us and know what we want and think. “We have to get clearer in saying what we want and need,” she stressed.

Self-examination is best combined with push for personal growth. “Our worlds can start to get narrow,” Bartlein noted. “We need to stay up on what’s happening in technology, trends, and music to communicate across generations. We need to follow the news and the politics of other countries.  Being well-read is critical.”

Mindful Marriage Renewal

Familiarity can breed complacency, and it is possible to feel undervalued in our closest relationships. 

“Communication patterns we fall into are comfortable, but comfort can be routine and even boring,” Bartlein said.  She emphasized the need for married couples to renew shared interests, especially after grown children leave home. “That gives you things to talk about, she said. “It’s like glue for long-term marriage.”

Equally critical is the need to make daily time to connect with a partner through conversation. Dr. Savage said it’s time to “hit the reset button” on the relationship when children move out. “This is a great new opportunity,” she noted.

Even with common interests and shared time, there may be bumps in the relationship. “It’s OK to disagree,” Bartlein affirmed. “Some things we will never agree on, and we can choose to agree that we will never agree.” Bartlein says most marriages harbor two or three of these “perma-arguments.”

 “If you agree most of the time, you are in good shape,” she continued. “If you agreed on everything, that would be boring.  You can have fun with the differences.”

Avoid the Parent Trap

Common interests also build bridges to communication and connection during the changing parenting role that results when children reach their early 20s. “You move from parent to mentor-coach, and wind up friends,” Bartlein said, noting that she continues to share activities such as golf and skiing with her children.

“You let go of the job description of ‘Capital P Parent,’” Dr. Savage confirmed. “You don’t have that job anymore. You build a new relationship.”

Methods of creating strong communication bonds with grandchildren vary with their ages. Younger children love receiving letters and packages, and seeing a grandparent while using a webcam with Skype can be more effective than faceless telephone chat. Busy older grandchildren are not inclined to write or phone. “I recommend grandparents learn to text,” Bartlein said.

Work It Out Respectfully

Workplaces are multigenerational in nature and require respect for generational style differences. “Read online about Generation X, Y and Z,” urged Dr. Savage, who blogs at http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com. “Understand Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn, even if you don’t use them. Respect for the major style differences is really important. Differences are not a threat.”

Bartlein regularly confers with younger colleagues to tap into their generational expertise. Her effort shows interest and provides connection. “Feel comfortable with the team approach and working in teams,” she said. “Enjoying the differences and not being judgmental can go a long way.”

Misunderstandings require a willingness to address the situation in a direct and positive way. When a conversation sparks a critical or defensive reaction, Dr. Ellenberg instead advises a “reality check.”

Start by asking “if it is a good time to talk, then say, ‘I have an impression and I want to check in with you,’” he said. Respectfully indicate discomfort with a situation and a desire to make things better. “We fill in blanks and tell ourselves stories about others’ behavior, but we are not always correct,” Dr. Ellenberg continued. “This spans all relationships. If you want a clearer relationship, you need to speak up. And if a person matters to you, it is never too late to have a conversation.”

New communication skills can be learned through seminars, books, and counseling. “People these days have to realize we are pioneers,” Dr. Ellenberg said.  “This is the first time in history when we can learn more about ourselves. We live in an amazing era of resources.”

“The starting point is to look at ourselves,” said Bartlein. “We can’t change anyone else. My best piece of advice: work on listening skills. We view communication as talk, but all of us need to hone in on watching body language and listening. That’s 90% of communication.”

–Monica M. Walk

Resources:

• Barbara Bartlein, R.N., C.I.C.S.W.: http://www.thepeoplepro.com/#
• Dr. Daniel Ellenberg:  http://relationshipsthatwork.com
• Dr. Elayne Savage: http://www.queenofrejection.com/