Pat Hudson, Ph.D., a Corpus Christi, Texas-based counselor, commentator, and author, was promoting a book on marriage in 1995 when she found out her husband, the book’s co-author, had moved in with his new girlfriend. She had just turned 50.

“When I got divorced, it was in 26 newspapers and on Paul Harvey’s radio show,” Dr. Hudson said. “Having gone through a divorce where there is betrayal, it takes years to regain trust in people.”

It was her second divorce.  She did recover with the help of her “four very wonderful, supportive children,” recalled Dr. Hudson,  and is remarried.

Most women 50 and over don’t have to worry about their divorce being a media sensation. Yet the crushing pain and loss are just as real. Women’s advocates advise that divorce is not the end of your life.  For many women, it is the beginning of a new, rewarding journey.

Consistent, yet different

Census figures show that since 1970, the percentage of divorced women over 45 has hovered between 2% and 3% of the adult population of the United States.

Catherine M. Byrne, JD

Yet, there has been a change in the past four decades. Chicago divorce attorney Catherine M. Byrne said in her practice, she has seen more women in the last ten- to-15 years who are not only prepared for the divorce, but are prepared to take care of themselves as well.

“Women are more sophisticated in a divorce,” she said. “They’re not afraid. They are more financially stable.”

A divorcee herself and a mother of three, Byrne went from being a stay-at-home mom in a big home in an expensive Chicago suburb to a professional who had to build her law practice from a smaller home that she could afford while raising her children.

But she will not tell you it didn’t hurt.

Divorce will not only gut a woman’s emotions, but can put a woman in a tailspin financially as well if she doesn’t have a way to support herself, the experts said.

Dr. Hudson said the financial impact of divorce a woman 50 and over is based largely on her work history.

“It depends on whether a woman has worked outside the home,” Dr. Hudson explained.  “It is devastating if she hasn’t.”

Byrne added her clients who have no means of financial support, or who are totally dependent on their husbands, “are in panic mode.”

Divorce common sense

Judy Colbert, 68, of Crofton, Maryland, is an author and writer who divorced at age 53 after 33 years of marriage.

Colbert wrote The Divorce Common Sense Handbook, and agrees with Dr. Hudson that the divorce process can be more threatening for women who have not worked outside the home.  She advises that if you are in a large three-or-four-bedroom home and are just entering the job market after many years as a homemaker, offer the home to your spouse as part of the divorce settlement, or agree to sell it.  A large mortgage, property taxes, and maintenance can easily devour a women’s budget.

In addition, she urged women to hire their own attorney, cancel credit cards, and establish credit in their own name. Even if you have a shared credit history with your spouse, you must take out loans in your own name to have an individual credit history, she added.  If you don’t, getting a big loan for a car or other large purchase will be a problem.  Many employers check credit worthiness when they evaluate applicants.

If you can’t afford your own attorney, some local bar associations will partner with non-profit groups to provide legal counsel and advice. In Chicago, for example, the local bar association partners with Illinois Legal Aid to offer legal counsel on divorce.

Colbert strongly advised against storming out of the house, grabbing your things, and vowing never to come back.  She said that is considered “desertion” and is treated harshly by the courts.

Byrne, however, disagreed.  Courts will look at a woman’s overall contribution to the household over the years and will not penalize for emotional decisions, she said.

“Courts will look at marriage like a business and will decide how to divide up the assets equally,” Byrne added, noting divorce laws vary by state.

Be strategic

Byrne further recommended that women have a good picture of the couple’s assets at the time of the divorce, a plan on how to divide them, and a strategy of how to provide for yourself after the decree is issued.

Colbert also recommended women in the divorce process get their own phone number and forego fighting over such non-monetary assets as the wedding pictures; in fact, she suggested getting a duplicate copy of the wedding album.

Overall, “Women are much more resilient,” Dr. Hudson added. “They are in a much better position to take care of themselves.”

She suggested that women recovering from divorce literally burn old love letters or mementos, and then do something positive, such as reading from an inspiring author and then celebrating with friends at dinner.  She said such behavior is part of the grieving process, similar to dealing with a death.

When you catch yourself sentimentalizing about the good times, Dr. Hudson said be sure to recall the bad times as well.

“Take a vow to really take care of and protect yourself in future relationships,” she said.

When it’s time to embark on dating, Colbert suggested joining clubs or organizations in which you have an interest, and meeting men in those venues. She said try to build a new relationship on common interests.

Dr. Hudson contends women are more likely to receive support from children and extended family than men. A man in a middle of divorce may not know how to cook, do the laundry, or be able to call the kids because he doesn’t have their phone numbers.  Most women have been doing these things for years, she said.

But support from adult children will vary, she noted. Some will applaud their mom’s decision to divorce, and ask why she didn’t do it sooner. Others may bristle at the thought of taking care of dad after the divorce. And if a woman has troubled relationships with children, the divorce may exacerbate those problems.

Dr. Hudson said during her very public divorce, she found support from her children and family, speaking to her son Nick every day.

Support groups

Support groups, both religious and secular, are available online and in community calendars in your local newspaper.

For example, Divorce Care, an international support program with a Christian focus, has a web site and local groups that meet in areas all over the United States.

“It is focused on Christ and healing,” said Naomi Ford-Bolt, Divorce Care consultant. “It’s giving yourself the opportunity to share, let go, and be vulnerable and open to healing.  There has to be a time of forgiveness.”

Colbert entered into a relationship with a new man shortly after her divorce, but he passed away two years ago. After grieving his loss, she now again dates on occasion.

“Dating is a totally different thing” than when younger, she said.  “You don’t have to go out every Saturday night.”

Dr. Hudson maintains that older women are slightly less likely to remarry.  “I think it’s much more that they don’t want to marry than they can’t.”

Colbert reflected on her life after divorce from her verbally abusive husband. “Divorce is a lot of freedom from a lot of things,” said Colbert.  “You do what you want, when you want.”

Concluded Byrne, “My divorce was revolutionary.  I became a much stronger person.”

—    Mary Voelker

Resources:

Catherine M. Byrne, http://www.chicagofamilylawfirm.com/

Judy Colbert: http://www.judycolbert.com

Divorce Care: http://www.divorcecare.com/

Dr. Pat Hudson: http://www.pathudson.com/

Illinois Legal Aid: http://www.illinoislegalaidonline.org/